The Null Device
All-too-realistic Onion article: Columbine Jocks Safely Resume Bullying
Cameras were installed on school grounds, enabling authorities to more
closely monitor the activities of all students for suspiciously nonconformist
behaviors or modes of dress. All entrances to the school are now locked and
accessible only by intercom or specially coded key card, preventing the
sort of open, comfortable learning environment that might encourage students
to express themselves. The soothing presence of armed patrols, coupled with
high fences surrounding the grounds, reassures jocks that they can feel free
to once again torment the school's geeks as they did before April 20, without
fear of reprisal.
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